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beyond baby mamas

20140221-173241.jpg The author with her two gorgeous children

The last time I thought I had it all figured out was one year ago today, February 21, 2013. That was the day the man I loved told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. I was eight months pregnant with our son.

It’s not been my intention to keep the anniversary in my head, but there are noteworthy dates in close proximity that built up to it. It was thirteen days after I’d written him a letter detailing my fears and concerns and my needs and wants. Eight days after a hurtful text argument sprung from said email that culminated with me telling him we were done and he was free. Seven days after Valentine’s Day, when I asked if he wanted to see me to talk about it in person and he declined. Five days after…

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I read a post today on SingleBlackMale by one of my favorite bloggers, WIM, about Female Insecurity and Male Insensitivy. I did what I usually do, and read through the comments before leaving my own thoughts on the topic. One comment in particular stood out to me, left by African Mami:

 I don’t understand how a woman’s self esteem can be tied to a man. Self-esteem is about one’s perception and overall evaluation about their belief system. It should not/never be influenced by negative vibes, especially men vibes.

While I get what she’s saying, and agree that maybe it should be that way [in a perfect world] – I don’t think it’s as simple as that. Insecurity creeps up on even the most confident of people. “Negative vibes” can hit you where you’re already weak and make that little voice in your head get just a little bit louder. I’m not saying that the way you view yourself will change completely, but words do have power, and can make you question yourself temporarily. Ultimately, I believe it comes down to how much you value someone’s [the person making the comment’s] opinion. What I mean is, a negative comment from a random stranger may not bear any weight if my self-esteem is high. I don’t care about what that stranger thinks of me. However, if someone I love and respect, like a significant other, makes a negative comment about my appearance, I’m more likely to take that comment to heart. Maintaining a high self-esteem, for me anyway, is easier when I have validation. “When you look good, you feel good.” How do you know when you look good? Someone else has told you so, whether verbally or nonverbally. There’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with seeking approval. And this post may speak to my vanity, but oh well, I’m vain sometimes. You will deal. Obviously, there are many other factors that play into one’s self-esteem, but surrounding onesself with supportive, uplifting people is just as important.

See, that didn’t help him. =/

Most people are more critical of themselves than any outside source could ever be. We’re human, and as such, are not perfect and have insecure moments from time to time. Self-confidence doesn’t flourish overnight. It’s developed over time through a series of events that can either reinforce or tear down the perception we have of ourselves. A huge part of that development is focused on acceptance from others. When I was younger, like early teens, I had low self-esteem. The majority of it stemmed from the fact that I didn’t get a lot of attention from guys. As much as I had going for me, I just never felt that great about myself. My first boyfriend, at age 16,  played a major role in getting me to love myself. Sometimes you need a little help believing in yourself, and that’s okay.

So obviously, my answer to this question is YES, without a doubt. Other people’s opinions matter, whether you’d like to admit it or not. Having someone acknowledge that we’re good [or not so good] at something plays a part in how we view ourselves. At the end of the day, I still love myself. All I’m saying is that having someone else appreciating my efforts makes it that much easier to feel good about me. On the other end of the spectrum, negative comments can be just as damaging.

Anywho, those were just some of my thoughts. My comment was a bit lengthy and didn’t apply to the main part of the post, so I just decided to put it over here. What do you think? Do you agree with my reasoning, or is self-esteem is gained some other way? Why do people hate to admit that they care what other people think? Have you ever struggled with low self-esteem? How did you fix it? Talk to me.


*waves* I’ve missed you all!

Hey. Hello. Hi there. 🙂 Remember me? If not, let me reintroduce myself. I’m Camille – aka Cam, Killa Cam, Milley, Milli Vanilli, Mill Mill, Cheeks, and a plethora of other names. I have been neglecting this blog like NO OTHER, and I’m sorry! I’ma do better. Must. do. better. A combination of laziness, being busy, and having nothing I felt was interesting enough to write a complete post about has prevented me from updating, but no more! Why, you ask? What has changed? Actually, nothing. Yet. But I’m announcing today that I’M BACK ON THE MARKET! No one is excited, I know. That’s cool. I’ve taken a break from dating for seriously, like, a long time. Officially, it’s been (OMG) five years since I’ve actually had a boyfriend. I had no idea it’s been that long until I just thought about it right now. That makes me pretty sad, but also a bit hopeful.

However unintentionally, I took an extended time-out to just be alone, and grow up. I know who I am now. I know what I will and won’t tolerate. I know where I need to do better in my life, and I know what I’m really good at. Read the rest of this entry »


Well, hello there! I’ve been off the grid for a while now – seventy-five days, to be exact – and while I haven’t forgotten about you, I just couldn’t find the time/muster up the energy to squeeze out another post. But the tumbleweeds weren’t just here. My interactions with all forms of social media have been pretty limited these past couple months. I appreciate all of the emails, tweets, comments, texts, etc. about my well-being. It’s a nice feeling to know that others are thinking of you.

When it rains, it pours – so the saying goes. Do you believe that? When something bad happens, do you find yourself being bombarded with more bad news? If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, so to speak, does it seem like your day just never gets any better? Well, that’s how it usually goes for me. Lately, there’s just been a rain cloud over my head and it won’t let up. Read the rest of this entry »


Heeeeeey guys! The next couple of weeks around these parts are going to be super cray. And for that reason, I’ll be taking a brief hiatus from the blog. If I can sneak in a post before mid-December I will definitely do so. I’ll keep you updated via Twitter, of course, so if you haven’t followed, then hop to it! Check out my blogroll for other awesome blogs I read, and I’ll most likely comment every once in a while. I’ll be back in effect before you know it, kiddos!

I heart you all,

Cam

P.S. If you’re in/around the DMV area, HANG OUT WITH ME THIS WEEKEND! I’ll be hitting up VSB’s Reminisce Party this Saturday, Dec. 3, and I’d love to see you there. If you didn’t know already, I’m a cool chick ;), so let’s kick it ch’all.


Not quite there just yet.

As some of you may know, I turned 26 last month. Depending on your current age, you might still consider that to be fairly young. The way I see it, I’ve begun the steep decline to the end of my youth. I have these next four years to live out my twenties before I’m officially ‘old.’ [I know it isn’t truly old, but that’s the dreadful age I have looming ahead, where the deadlines I’ve set for myself will need to have been met.] Read the rest of this entry »

It’s Meeee!

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